Kate Fowler

I feel like I am rising from the ashes, though I don’t think I am really.

This is just a short post to say that I am finally over the massive technical trouble of the last few months and here I am back and better than ever.

So hopefully over the next few weeks I can get back to blogging every other day (even though I just set up a Tumblr blog because I had no idea how long it would be until I could get back on here.

Such is life, so they say.

More upsetting is that just over a week ago my 1TB harddrive decided to die and I lost everything on it. 3 years worth of photos, videos, writing… You name it, and I lost it. So I’m also quite upset that I’ve lost a lot of my portfolio work and I have a strange feeling that I’ve also lost the first draft of my novel. So much for the digital age making life easier.

In any case, there’s nothing I can do about it so I just have to keep my chin up and just keep swimming.

It also means I’ll have to play catch up now in order to fill out the rest of this site as I was intending to.

Meanwhile, I’ve got a few comedy projects on the go so the next few months will prove to be very busy.

Thanks for keeping with me if you have, otherwise I am just talking to myself.

Here I am, back from a time without internet.

Yes, I had no internet and  I somehow survived.

I’m not sure how, given that for at least the last ten years I have relied on the internet as an extension of my physically occupied “real world” environment. Yet, here I am. I’m alive and kicking.

I’d like to give you some lessons I’ve learnt since my hiatus began, but sadly I have none.

I have, however, moved house and found that experience to be the most testing I’ve ever been through.

Now I get to live in a wonderful area that I’ve wanted to live in ever since I first visited here in my first year of university. It makes me feel like I’m living a bohemian lifestyle, only I’m actually more of a Nouveau Bohemian as I do have enough money to eat, house and clothe myself.

I also now have pink hair. It has been an amazing social experiment and I can’t help but notice that people respond in a particular way to a stranger with bright pink hair. Judge me how you want, but I will most likely be completely different to what you expect anyway.

So to round this off, in honour of what will now be hopefully a regular blogging experience, I leave you with a small anecdote.

This one time (this is how funny anecdotes start, right?) I lived with a guy who, let’s just say, is certainly not the brightest spark I’ve ever met. Can be the loveliest guy, but can also give Paris Hilton a run for her money in the airhead stakes. I should have known how it all would end when not long after we all moved in together, we went for a drive and he announced that mice made the noise “riaor”, like a cat. Oh dear.

You live, you learn. Well, I do but I certainly can’t vouch for anybody else.

Just over a week ago I successfully completed my first NaNoWriMo, much to my amazement, despite the fact I did the work in three weeks.

I began well, completing well over the average needed for each day, but then in the second week, disaster struck. I received some horrible news and it deterred me from writing. I just didn’t feel like I was in the mood to write.

Despite this, I eventually kicked myself in the backside and got to work, finishing before the thirtieth with my fifty thousand words.

I am proud of this achievement because not only did I finish and do so in a shorter period of time than a month, but I also overcame something that had the potential to cause me to pull the plug.

So how did I do it and what lessons did I learn?

Set Aside The Time

Once I got into the swing of things, I realised that the first hurdle to overcome is procrastination.

We all procrastinate and I found that the easiest way around this was to work out what time of day I worked best and use that same time every day to write. Nothing else.

By setting aside the specific time to write, I was giving myself the rest of the day to work my day job, check Twitter, listen to music and watch some television.

That meant that when I sat down at my desk, I had no excuses as I had already done everything else that my brain wanted to do. There was nothing else left in my day that I had to do other than write.

This worked for me, particularly as I work best at night time and my impending bedtime (as I never let myself stay up past midnight on account of writing) was my deadline.

Turn Off The Inner Editor

That’s right, you need to learn to turn it off completely. The whole point of NaNoWriMo is to just write and keep going, all the while seeing what comes out without going back over it.

It took me a week and a half worth of writing, but I got there. When I got there, I found my ‘zone’.

By stopping myself from going back over what I was writing, my characters took me in some completely unexpected directions. One character surprised me by turning out slightly more aggressive than I thought she was, but I knew it was her true character shining through and it worked.

Further, by just pushing myself to keep moving forwards I came to an ending that I didn’t envision when I started and, again, it worked.

Finally, in turning off my inner editor I found that I was able to challenge myself to just get those precious words out of my head and onto the paper. By not second guessing myself as to whether the words made sense or not, I was just letting the thoughts flow freely and following a sort of stream of consciousness writing technique.

It really started working.

I Can Write 1000 Words In Fifteen Minutes

I discovered this point once I learnt to turn off my inner editor. Once I started just writing and pushing myself to keep getting out word after word, I found that I could write 800 words in half an hour.

This then turned into 1000 in half an hour, which in itself then turned into 1000 words in twenty minutes.

I then kept pushing myself to see if I could beat that time and sure enough, I did.

Nothing Is Truly Impossible

I had put off writing my novel for so long because it always seemed to be this massive mountain that was in front of me. I didn’t know where to start, I had no idea where to place my first step and I sure as heck couldn’t see the top so placing that first step seemed so daunting.

But by learning that the most important thing is not how you place the first step but just that you do it, I was able to make it, step by step, to the top.

Each step, each word, builds on the last and the only thing you can do is keep going until you finish.

I guess the total of what I learnt is that you just have to have a passion for what you are doing, make a bit of time each day to do it and put your head down.

Without these things, you can’t start going for it and if you don’t start, you can’t finish.

I just felt the need to share this piece of writing somewhere, so here it is.

It Seems So Futile

It seems so futile now,
Expressing things that you’ll never hear
Or ever read

But it brings me a sense of something,
Though I couldn’t tell you what

Then again, I won’t be telling you
Very much at all now

It seems so strange,
Just a year ago you were here
And I left you

I left you well and happy,
And we’d had such a good laugh

We stayed in touch,
Talking when we could
And now that feels like it was not enough

I couldn’t have done anything,
Nor should I have done anything different,

But I am filled with a strange sense of compulsion
That I should have done something

Maybe it’s because you were the last person
I would have thought of as ending up here

We all make choices in life,
Some good, some bad
And you made choices
Which led you to a place I don’t understand

I’ll never understand
Because you’re not here to ask

That’s the hardest to accept,
The fact that I can’t ask you ‘why?’
And receive a response

I can ask
But you won’t respond

It seems so futile now,
Asking questions you won’t hear
Or ever answer

But it brings me a sense of something,
Though I couldn’t tell you what

Beauty and the Geek is a program that I cannot abide. Stick with me, because you should know this is coming from someone who very nearly applied for that very show.

But I didn’t.

The reason I didn’t is because I realised how much I dislike the show. The reason I dislike the show is not just the perpetuation of the stereotype of geeks and nerds, which I can forgive in the right instances where it is used as part of social commentary, but it is mostly the perpetuation of the idea that the geeks and nerds amongst us will not find happiness until we are made to fit the mould of someone else’s ideals.

The show seems to like “fixing” some amazing men, and in the latest season a woman, who actually don’t need to change at all.

I am all for helping those who feel they have little or no confidence in finding their feet, but not in the way that Beauty and the Geek does. The biggest problem I have overall is that the show is all very one-sided. While the geeks get “made-over” and given a new image, the beauties don’t face the same process.

I am yet to see an instance, and please correct me if I’m wrong, where the beauties are taken and made to properly learn something useful, for example the basics of their paired geek’s field.

I have seen activities where the beauties “learn” about superheroes or similar, but again these are just stereotypical aspects of geekdom and don’t really correlate, in my mind at least, to the make over and forced image revamp that the geeks go under.

Again, I would like to point out that I feel that this process is also unnecessary. For example, in this current season I have had the hugest crush on Gilbert since I first saw him. I have a crush on him the way he was – 100% geek and completely gorgeous!

What I couldn’t believe was how the girls in the house were fawning over the boys as “adorable” and they kept saying things that pretty much amounted to “I think he’s kinda adorable, but I’ll be certain of what I think after the make-over.”

You’ve got to be kidding.

I hate to break it to you girls (and guy), but those guys (and girl) are still the same underneath some ridiculous haircuts and awful outfits. They are still going to talk circles around you and baffle you with their thought processes.

It upsets me greatly that no matter how brilliant one’s mind is, in today’s society this isn’t thought to count as anything unless they are good-looking also.

On the plus side, this series of the Australian version of the show had a girl geek (which was what I thought I could put myself forward for), which challenges the previous notion put forward by the program that the women were beautiful and could teach the intelligent, but unattractive, men the ways of the world. However, I don’t feel that they’ve really done well with the one good point that I could find as they have just painted her with the same brush as the men – intelligent people aren’t good looking and need help to fit in with society.

Helen, to my mind, is a very attractive girl who has interests similar to mine and a fantastic head on her shoulders. She says she feels awkward in social situations, much like the male geeks, and I can’t help but feel that this is more the fault of society than it is theirs.

Helen says on her website profile “I am caught halfway in between both worlds, so to speak” and I know exactly how she feels.

However, I wish I could make it known that being caught halfway between worlds, as so many of us geeks and nerds often are, can be the most amazing place you can be.

In the last year of my life I have made more friends who understand me and my interests than I ever have before, and I haven’t done a thing to change myself in order to do this. I know I’m not the most fashionable or attractive girl there is, but I know one day I will find someone who will see me as beautiful because what’s inside will shine through.

The way I live my life is this:
A relationship can only be real if they know the real me.

I refuse to change for anyone else and don’t really care how others perceive me. I don’t hurt anyone in the way I go about life and I am honest, loving and loyal to those that are in my life. In my eyes, this is far more important than the way I look because you can dress me up and take me out, but underneath all that I’ll still be the same girl that was laughed at by so many for being so heavily involved in Doctor Who (amongst other things).

Changing appearances may change other people’s shallow perceptions of you, but it doesn’t change the crap that they’ve put you through before they realised how “beautiful” you can be when moulded into what someone else wants.

Beauty and the Geek, take note.

 A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be. – Albert Einstein

So several conversations and observations over the past few days have led me to realise that way too many people I know truly don’t realise how lucky they are in their life.

I’m not just talking about the big things that a first world country affords us over a third world country (although this is something that still should not be forgotten), but I am also talking about the so many simple things that too many people don’t even realise are blessings until it is too late.

I am talking about things such as having your family (whoever they are to you) alive and well. I’m talking about things such as having your own wonderful health. I am talking about the opportunity to learn however much you want and the opportunity to never feel like you are going without something without having the choice.

If you do not have all of the aforementioned things, then you may be one of the people I’ve been talking to that has really made me pause and think for a moment about my own life, but don’t get me wrong – I don’t even have all of them.

Before I continue too much, I should explain my situation.

Yes, I am a daughter of a privileged middle class upbringing and all the opportunities that this has afforded me. I was healthy and was kept healthy.

I grew up in a large and wonderful suburban home which had more than enough room for all four of us and I was lucky enough to enjoy the company of two gorgeous cats who, I might add, were loved and cared for more than any creature can hope for (though I hope that most people can say that about their pets). Both my parents were teachers, so we were lucky that we never went through periods of time where one or the other, or both, were away from us for substantial periods of time. We had the same holiday times, which meant that we enjoyed many family holidays that my parents worked hard to take us on.

I was always fully clothed and driven where I needed to go. I was provided with and taken to a variety of extra-curricular activities. I had many, many years of music lessons paid for and many hours spent on me in order to transport me to the appropriate places for lessons, rehearsals, concerts and eisteddfods. I also had instruments bought and band fees paid when I was offered the chance to learn a new instrument (on top of my piano lessons) for school band when I started high school.

I went to high school. I also went to university. I graduated from both and did very well.

My parents helped me buy my first car.

I never needed anything. Of course I wanted, but this was because my parents (despite me not seeing this entirely at the time) were teaching us a few lessons in life about “wants” versus “needs”.

The problem is that today, I worry that too many people my age and younger have forgotten this distinction. Just look at the riots recently in England. The consumerist nature of our society, I feel, is at least in part to blame.

But if you asked me what the number one thing I *want* right now is, I have a simple answer for you and it is in no way connected to material gain.

I want my Mum to still be alive and with us today.

That is not a material want and I believe it is warranted. Just as I know some who would also want for the same thing, or for full health or something similar.

Mum passed away when I was twenty and I have fully accepted that this is what life has handed me, despite all the things I will not get to experience with her as I grow older.

I move forward in life knowing this and offering my help, guidance and understanding to all those who find themselves in similar situations. I do this instead of wallowing in self-pity because that doesn’t help anyone.

And that, ultimately, is my point.

For those of us who have had it good and still have it good, why are we not helping more and appreciating just what we do have?

I know others who, just like me, have lost a parent before the usually anticipated time. It’s hard. You always imagine your parents will be there until you are properly grown up, just like siblings, aunts and uncles. It’s a very tough thing to deal with losing someone during that time period of your life. I learnt the very hard way, through this, that we really need to appreciate every little thing in life before it’s too late.

I have friends who might on any one particular day use all their energy to go to a class, say, and then the next day suffer for it so badly that they can’t get out of bed. I cannot begin to comprehend how hard this might be on someone because I’ve not been through it myself and this is something I am thankful for.

I get upset when I read about the struggles lower socio-economic groups face when looking at their study options. Why is it that so many in these groups of society don’t get offered an opportunity to pursue study past high school or, if they’re lucky, TAFE? I didn’t realise until I’d finished university just how lucky I was to get there in the first place.

These are the people who I believe need something – opportunity.

The opportunity to be able to get through each day without having all previous days determine their energy level at the start of this one.
The opportunity to be able to reach life’s full potential.
The opportunity to have a choice of what they wish to go with, instead of having no choice but to go without.

I appreciate that I had all these all these opportunities, despite the slight hardships that I have faced.

I appreciate that the hardships I faced are nothing compared to so many people, including some I know personally.

I long for the day when society becomes more egalitarian.

But until then I shall work at trying to help it become so and it is partly this that has motivated me to donate some of my pay each month (because let’s face it, I’d only spend it needlessly) to a different cause in the hope that I can help in my own little way as I work towards being able to make a big change.

As I do this, I will be thinking of all that I have had and will have available to me in my life. And as I do that, I will be trying to think of ways that I can share what I can with those that need it more than I do.

If you have any suggestions for a cause for me to support, please leave me a comment with the cause and why you feel I should support it. I will be blogging about each cause that I donate to and if I choose a suggested one, I will mention the suggester and their reason also.

We all have the capacity to make a positive difference in the world and I hope that maybe one day I will be a role model for others who realise that what they need and want is knowledge and using it to make a positive difference.

Due to the fact that so many people have asked me why I no longer eat meat or drink alcohol, I’ve decided to write a blog post explaining the motivators behind me making such a big lifestyle change.

It seems funny to me that so many people comment on the fact that I neither eat meat nor drink alcohol and I have been on the receiving end of a wide range of responses. These have varied from a simple statement such as ‘cool’ through to being told ‘You’re stupid, I don’t understand you or your life choices and so you’re stupid’. That is no word of a lie.

But why have I made these decisions?

To start with, I’ll explain my relatively recent decision to abstain from alcohol.

I have not had a drop of alcohol pass my lips since June last year. Yes, June 2010. I have gone for over a year without drinking alcohol and not feeling the need to do so. Amazing really, isn’t it.

Clearly I’ve not dropped dead from the decision, so why is it that I seem to have picked up a one way ticket to social outcast-ism for my choice.

My reasons for flicking the drink are that not only do I feel that I don’t personally need to depend on alcohol to have a good time, but I also abhor the behaviour that results from so many young people drinking too much, not knowing their boundaries and painting this as the ‘cool’ and socially acceptable way to be. That’s not my bag baby.

So in a way I consider this as my own little social protest.

My actions are not just in protest however, they are also an act of acceptance.

We lost my Mother to liver disease and it is hereditary.

I have seen what happens when the liver fails and I do not wish that on anyone.

Previously I lived a life of “go hard or go home” and luckily, for my future self, I woke up from this before I did some real damage.

The problem with our liver is that while it repairs itself, it can stop doing so if all the factors build up and up enough. The problem is that it doesn’t necessarily happen over a long period of time. It can happen over any length of time if there is a big enough build-up of toxins. Alcohol is one of the most easily accessible and most widely abused toxins there is.

I accept that and in my acceptance of this, I have acted to prevent the damage that resulted in the illness I saw my Mother endure.

Further, I believe that each of us has so much potential within us and as a young woman of this day and age, I am fully aware of the various groups throughout history that have fought for my freedom to reach this potential.

I personally believe that leading a life where I am leaving myself not completely in control of my mind and decision making faculties does not do justice to those who fought for me to have the freedoms that I do have in this life. I want to keep my brainpower and the opportunity to channel it into something productive that will add to the value of this world.

This now brings me to the reasons why I no longer eat meat.

To sum it up succinctly, I do not eat anything that once had the capacity to decide it may want to run away from me instead of being eaten. That is, I do not eat any other sentient being and the sea slug that is part animal and part plant.

My first issue with a carnivorous diet is that we live in a society of a highly consumerist and commercial nature and this, by default, means that many animals are bred needlessly to keep up with the demand for supply (note that I am saying demand for supply, not demand in general).
This isn’t fair on the animals and it is a waste of the earth’s resources as well.

Further, we also live in a society that needlessly wastes parts of these animals that aren’t seen as enticing. This means that a high percentage of each animal goes to waste, unlike in days gone by, which begs the question why these poor animals quite often suffer so much to have so much of their physical bodies wasted on top of the waste of their lives.

My personal belief is that there is energy in everything around us in the universe and the energy of our lives is kept as residue in our bodies after death. I also personally believe that the way in which we die can negatively affect this personal energy if the death, for example, was particularly violent or as the result of overwhelming emotional circumstances.

We extract energy from everything we interact with, just as we add energy to everything we interact with. As such, I believe that the negative energy of these bodies will be absorbed by me and I don’t want to continue the cycle of negativity. I am in this world to make a positive difference and I don’t feel that I will achieve this if I keep exposing myself to negative energy and situations.

“A man of my spiritual intensity does not eat corpses.”
George Bernard Shaw

I can survive without eating my fellow earth-dwelling creatures and so I will do so for as long as I can.
If I can’t survive without eating them, I’d rather perish.

“My situation is a solemn one.  Life is offered to me on condition of eating beefsteaks.  But death is better than cannibalism.  My will contains directions for my funeral, which will be followed not by mourning coaches, but by oxen, sheep, flocks of poultry, and a small traveling aquarium of live fish, all wearing white scarfs in honor of the man who perished rather than eat his fellow creatures.”
George Bernard Shaw

George Bernard Shaw is my hero on this account. He summed up entirely my feelings about vegetarianism (amongst many other subjects).

I feel that not drinking or eating meat is allowing me to work on my spiritual side and move forwards to being the change that I want to see in the world (yes, that old chestnut).

While I may one day go back to having a few calm drinks with friends on the odd occasion, I know that I will never eat meat again in my life.

“Animals are my friends… and I don’t eat my friends.”
George Bernard Shaw

deorum cibus est

Kate

What is grown up?

I am frequently told to ‘grow up’ whenever I begin to talk about any one of my interests. Well, actually, most of my interests as far as some family members are concerned.

Apparently it isn’t the business of a 20-something year old to be dealing with fantasy and science fiction – “children’s stories”.

But why?

Why do so many people in society see certain interests as an area that should be left well alone by “grown ups”.

I certainly do not consider myself a child, nor do I consider myself immature.

I am not under legal age and I am not emotionally undeveloped.

As I am neither of these, why am I constantly being asked when I’m going to, or why don’t I, grow up?

I fear the reason is the “adult” notion that having faith and seeing not only the inherent good in people, but also the inherent possibilities that this universe affords us, is a childish one. As I have explained previously, I view the world simply with the words ‘why not?’ attached to everything. And I truly mean everything. I see potential in everything and everyone, and apparently this child-like outlook is to be frowned upon.

However, there is a distinct difference between child-like and childish and immature.

So many people appear to have lost this wonderful child-like ability to ignore the cynicism that is rampant in the world today. That is, of course, if these people had this ability at all, as I’ve met several people who make me wonder at their childhoods.

My childhood was overflowing with imaginative play and creative pursuits, which I believe has certainly helped me down the path of my adulthood with both of my eyes wide open to the marvels and beauty this world has or could possibly have.

I have not lost the ability to overcome the skepticism and doubt of those around me, and I still relish all the opportunities available to me to make something up. I especially enjoy the occasions that I am afforded to share this with others. So how does this mean I have not grown up?

In my experience, being grown up has nothing to do with age, but is about life experience. Unfortunately for me, this is something I have an abundance of.

Life experience not only includes what has happened to us, but also how we handle it and what we learn from it – that is, what we take with us into the future.

This is what generates maturity.

And with maturity and life experience comes wisdom. Wisdom to realise that I do not need to change and that people lash out when confronted with a quality that they are aware they lack within themselves.

I do not need to grow up and leave behind all this magical stuff, and not least just because some people just don’t understand it.

So while this is a little late, I have been so supremely busy owing to my last weekend of nerdy fun that this blog post had to wait.

I spent last weekend at Supanova in Sydney and it was the best weekend that I’ve had in a long time.

I went as River Song on Saturday and Femme!Eleven on Sunday.

I actually had two different kinds of fun.

Sunday was amazing as I went with my friend Mel and we were Ganger Doctors. It was wicked. We met a few actors that we both admire and it was insane.

However, never in my life did I realise how much fun I would have spending the day as someone else. This was made even more amazing by the wonderful compliments I received on my River.

All in all, this has left me wondering if I might like to try acting as well as writing.

I am seriously considering this. I spent an entire day as a character and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience!

I walked through the dome as River, I held myself as River. I talked to people as River. I only broke this once as I got into a wonderful in-depth discussion and dissection of RTD vs Moffat Who (which was amazing as well, just quietly).

I was lucky enough to have a group of Doctor Who cosplayers to cause havoc with, and boy did we cause some havoc! We took over the Sci Fi Australia channel stand and I had a bit of on camera time.

Supanova Day 1

I felt at home.

Isn’t it lovely when things come together.

I might do a bit more of a write-up on Supanova later, but for now I have Masters work to finish.

Kate

Tonight I have been talking with a few friends about some concrete travel plans for the start of next year, when I intend to come back home to England.

Yes, England is home even though I was brought up in Australia. This concept seems hard for some people I know to grasp, but it is something I can’t easily describe.

I don’t feel completely at home in either place, if I’m totally honest. I grew up in Australia, always feeling different, and then moved to England when I had finished my undergraduate degree. I was starting “real life” in a new country, but it was in a country that I have always had connections to.

Most of my family is from the United Kingdom and I had already made lots of friends there before I even moved, including my best friend in the world. Going over to England just felt like it was the right thing for me to do.

Moving forward to the day I stepped off the plane, I didn’t feel alienated at all. I never had a problem with understanding anyone, I didn’t have any problems with cultural differences (because to be honest, I don’t think any existed) and I didn’t have a single problem with the money (you know, that awkward moment when you go somewhere new and you end up with a million coins because you have to use a note after standing at the register for too long trying to find the right change).

Then the big wake up came as I got ready to step on the plane to leave for the time being. My heart ached, and it still aches whenever something to do with England is mentioned. Which, just quietly, is really hard when all you watch is English broadcasting.

I was brought up in Australia and I am Australian, but by birth I am also a British Citizen and I feel that connection in more ways than I can explain. In Australia, I am too British. In England, I’m too Australian. It is an interesting predicament to be in, but not one that many others seem to understand or share the sentiments of.

So let me say this, identity is a tough concept and one we grapple with our entire lives. How much of our identity is shaped by the culture of the places we live in during our lives? Because the more I think about it, who I am is not about the places I’ve lived or the culture of these places. As I’ve said before, in England I was still too Australian even though Australia told me I was too English. Perhaps I’m neither. Perhaps this is just further evidence to support my theory that our ‘who’ is not defined by ‘what’, ‘when’ or ‘where’, but by ‘how’.

“You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.” – Fight Club

“If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?” - Chuck Palahniuk

Kate